Gay Life Coaching: 3 Areas In Gay Psychology Required For Success?

If you are a gay man over 40, those three psychological areas will either break you or make you! Those are: Shame, Partner Selection and Social Engagement.  If you succeed at those three, the rest should fall into place automatically.  Read below or listen to the video to find out how it works.

Transcript of the video with additional explanations

Let me share with you, in the shortest possible way that I can, why Shame, Partner Selection, and Social Engagement are the three key components to your success on your journey to Gay Life Mastery.

Number One – Gay Shame

Shame is a state that results from exposure to all kinds of negative messages about gay life.  Now get this: over the course of 10, 20, sometimes 30 years you will be exposed to thousands of negative messages about gay identity, gay life, sexuality, gay existence, even gay consciousness.

Now imagine how you store all of that negativity in your unconscious mind, how you eventually internalize it to the point where the next time you hear it, you actually no longer respond because you are desensitized to it.

Let me share with you an example that will illustrate how hardcore and damaging this is:

Let’s say I say something negative about you right now, something…really negative.

You would be offended; you would probably close down this video because you would say, “Why is he criticizing me?  I don’t like being criticized.”  That’s a natural response, but get this: the next time somebody says something negative about your gayness, about your gay identity, you’re going to completely overlook it.  Why?

Because it has happened so many times that now it’s actually a part of you and you no longer fight it.  That’s why shame is extremely destructive to everybody.

If you want to be successful in life, if you want to be a high achiever and to have love and an extraordinary social empire, you have to start by recognizing the effects of shame on your life and healing from that.  How? By getting help and talking about it, by being really authentic about your weaknesses and your insecurities because you need to air all of that out.

All of that shame has to come out; all of the thousands of negative messages about gay life that you’ve been exposed to have to be counteracted with positive messages.  I hope that helps you to see that shame really is very destructive.

Number Two – Partner Selection

There are multiple dimensions to why a certain person is compatible with you and why another person is not.  It’s not just their physical appearance; it’s their emotional design, their psychology and emotions, and also their cognition, the way they think, but there’s one more factor that people forget about, and it’s what I call ‘The Standard’.

With gay men we also have what’s called a standard, which is the development of the identity of a person to reach a certain standard at which the person is ready to accept love and to give love.

In the presence of shame, from what we know from research, many gay men are not ready to get love and to give love.  You may be really compatible with somebody but if they haven’t healed from shame they will still see themselves as unworthy of you.

Even though you might be completely perfect for him he will not see you as worthy of love and he will start sabotaging it.  I believe that a lot of relationships end, even those relationships that are compatible, because of the lack of standard for one or both of the partners.

When both people lack that standard there is constant conflict, miscommunication going on in so many directions, and a lot of frustration, and that frustration is even bigger because you know you’re compatible but you just can’t make it work.

Social Engagement

The third topic of gay psychology that you have to master is Social Engagement.  For most gay men this is a very negative experience; they feel rejected, they feel ostracized, they feel like they have to be somebody else in order to fit in.

What I recommend that you do is that you just go out there and practice socializing without any outcome attached to it, just go out there and start meeting people and see what happens because as you practice socializing, as you practice being around people, eventually that shame will be reduced more and more.

This shame that I’m talking about is the shame that we will be seeing in other gay men through the concept of projection.  We will be projecting our shame onto them and that’s how we feel we are separate from them, how we feel that we don’t fit in, and how we feel that it’s not going to work out for us to be friends.

So again, let me summarize these three concepts:

First, we talked about shame. Secondly, we talked about how to select the right partner.  And third is how to engage socially when you go out and meet people.

So I look forward to sharing with you more in other videos, and until then go out there, think big, stay present, and be a leader in your life today.